Where do I fit?

Never have I felt like I belonged.

Anywhere really.

My community…no one knows who I am, outside of being the mother of my boys.

My family…someone who shares blood but is replaceable.

Myself. Perhaps that’s the worst one of all. How can I not feel like I belong even to myself? Perhaps it is because I’m a Gemini. Is there proven science to back up that astrology impacts our personalities or innermost thoughts?

Better question, how can I belong to no one and still exist? Would anyone truly notice if I just disappeared?

How would it happen? We could go down the government conspiracy rabbit hole, where I’m swept away never to be seen or heard from again. Or perhaps I pull an Edward and just erase myself from everyone’s lives. Though, let’s be honest 50 First Dates did it best with the short-term memory loss. Now, where can I get my hands on an MIB neuralyzer?

I consider myself to be a spiritual person. I used to love going to church, but over the last two decades it has gotten to be toxic. Yes, I know, “hurt people, hurt people” and “church is not about the people there, but about you connecting with Him”.  But come on. Are we seriously going to fool ourselves and act like churches are not just as clique as our kids’ high school?! Am I perfect? No. Do I understand what it’s like to be on the outside looking in? Absolutely. Is it traumatizing, coming out of shell slightly to try out a church, only for it to be assumed you’re just rude and unfriendly? Fuck yeah. Do you understand the anxiety plaguing my mind just at the thought of being in a crowd full of strangers, who while friendly enough, make me feel claustrophobic as fuck and the freaking world is caving in on me? Do you know how it feels to literally feel like everyone is staring at you, judging you, whispering under their breath about you? Let me tell you when you put those feelings together, you get an anxiety attack, which can feel like a medical emergency and make breathing hard. Sounds pretty bad right? Well, now take that feeling and try not to let any of it show outwardly. You can only have a panic attack in your head. They will judge you, think you’re crazy, or possibly even possessed. You must wear a ‘public appropriate’ mask. No one must know how you really feel, no good will come from that.

All that to say, I really do miss going to church. I always loved the praise and worship. Of course, in my head there’s inner turmoil there too. Do I raise my hands? If I raise my hand/s, will people around me think it’s too soon for me to do so? Or will I seem rude or phony if I don’t? Oy vey, it really can get scary in my head sometimes.

So, I have read the bible, I own a couple. I will listen to Christian music. I do believe you should not take the lord’s name in vain. My grandma, Ginga, taught me that. I loved her. She could be a real hard ass sometimes, but only out of love. She swore, made pop-tarts for breakfast and still had gentlemen ‘friends’, but she read her bible every morning while having her coffee and cigarettes. I love a good Christian movie or book, don’t read my bible near as much as I should, and use cannabis products on the regular. I know what I believe. I believe that God is love. Almost all religions have a God, and if you really take the time to learn about them, you’ll realize it’s all the same God. There are subtle changes that are affected by the culture and community surrounding the religion and its followers. But at the root, it’s all the same, God is love. Everyone wants that feeling of unconditional love and acceptance. You don’t know everyone’s story, and I guarantee you no one’s story is perfect. Everyone has a truth or a hurt that they keep buried and hidden away from the world. What if instead we shared those? I’m not talking about another #MeToo movement. I’m talking about following the Sunday school song ‘This Little Light of Mine’. Or even still, take Mufasa’s advice from the Lion King, “Everything the light touches is our kingdom”